Rendezvous With God

“I don’t’ believe in Ghosts and Gods” had been my line since when I was in college--the time when I had started my spiritual journey and reading of Ayn Rand. The author had shaped my thought and beliefs to such a large extent that I used to be a passionately proud atheist then. Later on, after more reading, marriage and added wisdom, I turned agnost. If someone asked me if I believed in God, I would answer that I believed in Aham Brahmasmi and that I had God within me. Recently, however I discovered that I believed in God more than I cared to acknowledge.

The realization that, at a subconscious level I looked upto God happened by way of an intriguing dream. The dream was like a full length movie in colour and with a lot of graphic effects. It began with my exploring the musty and cobwebbed staircases of a reportedly haunted bungalow in the middle of the night. Why on earth I would do that was not part of the dream. But I can assure you that I would do something like that, only in a dream.

In reality, I am terrified of darkness and ghosts. When at home and alone during power cuts, I dealt with my fear of darkness by getting into elaborate monologues with imagined ghosts or burglars, threatening them that I was a martial arts expert, so they had better not mess with me. Why, I couldn't even handle a mock haunted house. When I once walked into a scary house setting at a mall, I had kept giggling loudly initially to distract myself. But when all of a sudden something flew from nowhere and hurled itself on me, I let out a loud blood-curdling “eeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa”. Then, as if to bring myself back in control, I had threatened the flying object in chaste Thamizh “ Ennada nenache. Uchi meedhu vaan idindhu keezh vizhundha podhilum, Achamillai, Achamillai, Achamillai enbadhe”. Under extreme duress, I tended to quote Bharathiyaaar. My brother and mom still tease me about my poetic tendencies .

Given this track record, I was quite fascinated about this new and improved I, who at least in her wildest dreams had dared to quell her fear of darkness to explore a haunted house. The adventure began with my getting through the first two flights of stairs reciting my favourite achamillai. However, on the landing of the third flight of stairs, I saw a pair of gigantic legs following me. Legs that had no beginning. No end. The tiny ventilation on the walls that filtered in the moonlight was not enough to make out if there was a body supporting those legs.

I froze in terror. Could not utter a word. I wished I could run for cover and just erase the sight of the legs from my mind. But fear paralysed me. However hard I tried, I could not move an inch. What if the giant tore me into pieces and drank my blood. Images of Narasimha avatar with I instead of Hirnaya whizzed passed in psychedelic effect. Was I being punished in this janma itself? That was unfair. I was sweating from all pores. The legs kept advancing towards me menacingly. If I’d screamed for help, no one would have heard me. If I’d tried to assault the ghost, he would probably overpower me, so I thought I could talk him out of harming me. Appeal to his inherent ghostly goodness.

But wait. Maybe he was not a ghost. Maybe he was God trying to test my faith as he often does. He was getting predictable, wasn’t he? How many times he has called us humans fools because we couldn’t see through his repetitive charade. Ha , he couldn’t fool me this time.

I reached out and grabbed the legs. Not out of fear, but out of recognition! Out of enlightenment that brought tears into my eyes. Holding on to the legs tightly, I said, “Caught you God. I can make you out in any disguise. You cant fool me. Nor can you call me names for not knowing youwere walking two steps behind”. God stood there flabbergasted. Caught in the act of trying to trick an unassuming devotee.
He had encountered reactions that included screaming, running for life, throwing things at him, etc. But nobody had caught him or exposed him. What could he do, but gracefully accept defeat. He raised his palm slowly as if to invoke some power, and lay it on my head, saying “Bless you my child”.

And then, lo and behold, to my utter delight, the horrible grizzly legs started transforming into none other than Lord Vishnu in all his splendour in vishwaroopa. I could swear that I saw a benevolent smile too. One that said I know you have changed. I know you have seen me and that you will see me in everything hereafter.

I woke up, laughing hysterically. The dream was epiphany to me--My Dark night of the Soul. The atheist turned agnost turned semi-believer in me, under duress--not only quoted Bharathiyar, but surrendered to God, the Omnipotent, the Omniscient.